What is a Men’s Circle?
In the heart of busy cities, the tranquility of nature, or the embrace of soul-nourishing communities, men are gathering, not for business or sports, but for something deeper - a quest for authenticity, connection, and purpose. Imagine this: a circle of men, sitting in a circle, each with a story to share, each seeking to take a break from their daily lives and responsibilities, and cultivate a deeper, more connected and more meaningful existence. So what is a men’s circle? in it’s essence, a men’s circle is a sacred space for men to gather, where vulnerability reigns supreme, and self-development interwines with community support, paving the path towards a more fulfilling life.
I had my first contact with a men’s circle in Koh Phangan, an island in the South of Thailand. The year was 2015, and I was at the peak of my spiritual search. A year before, during Chinese New Year in Chiang Mai, a traveller I had crossed paths with mentioned Koh Phangan, and recommended a yoga school in the northwest of the island, that triggered my curiosity. Amidst a very small community of seekers experimenting with spirituality and self-development, my immersion into yoga lead me to my first initiation into men’s work, through a retreat in that same school called “Way of the Vira” (vira is sanskrit for hero or brave). All of the sudden, I was confronted with my own limiting beliefs about masculinity, my fear and guilt about my unique masculine expression, my body shame, my anger, and how much the environment around me, while growing up, had shaped those beliefs. For the first time, I heard notions like the Hero’s Journey, or Masculine archetypes, names such as David Deida, Robert Glover, or Robert Bly. I felt more alive than ever. After that deep dive into men’s work, it was clear to me that along side my spiritual path, men’s work was a field to explore deeper in the coming years. Men’s circles happened naturally right after that, as necessary places for connection, expression, learning and continuous growth. What better place to grow as men, than a circle of men where one can see and be seen, reflect and be reflected by other like-minded men?
Men’s Circle in South Portugal
What is a men’s circle?
Men's circles are ritualized spaces where men gather to share with a commitment to growth, support and transformation, within a safe, confidential, and constructive environment, that follows the core principles of men’s work. Here, men born in male bodies come together to accept, respect, and commit to the group's purpose and intentions. But what are these intentions, and how do they manifest in the ground rules and agreements that govern these circles?
Principles of men’s circles
Within the container of men's circles, the practice of conscious communication tools is central. It is rooted around three fundamental guidelines:
Staying present
Practicing active listening
Promoting a space conducive to authentic sharing
These guidelines serve as pillars in circles of men for cultivating deep and meaningful connections among participants, allowing them to share, explore and understand their emotions, thoughts and patterns, within a supportive and non-judgmental environment.
The first principle, staying present, involves a full shift of attention from inner and outer distractions into the circle, and everything that unfolds within the circle’s time and space. While circling, participants learn to be fully engaged in the present moment, setting aside any external distractions. This shift enables individuals to connect authentically with each other, paving the way for genuine and open communication.
Cultivating active listening is the second cornerstone of conscious communication. Active listening transcends mere hearing: it involves a deep and empathetic understanding of the speaker's words, emotions, and perspectives. Participants are encouraged to suspend judgment and listen without any interruption. This practice not only fosters a sense of validation and respect, but also creates a space where individuals feel heard and understood, facilitating a more profound level of sharing and connection.
Creating a space conducive to authentic sharing is the third principle, emphasising the importance of establishing an environment that promotes vulnerability and trust. In Men's Groups, this involves fostering a sense of brotherhood, where participants feel secure and supported enough to share their experiences, challenges, breakthroughs and aspirations, without fear of criticism.
Firmly grounded in the pillars of men’s work, men’s circles embrace and cultivate the principles of :
Authenticity
Accountability
Leadership
Direction
Support
These principles guide men towards a deeper understanding of self and purpose. These principles transcend the confines of the circle, shaping men into agents of positive change in their communities and beyond.
Men’s circles agreements
Ground rules or agreements, such as the use of "I" statements, become a crucial aspect of conscious communication in men’s circles. By expressing thoughts and emotions from a personal perspective, participants take ownership of their experiences, avoiding blame or projection. This approach encourages responsibility for one's perspectives, triggers, emotions, and reactions, leading to more accountable and self-aware individuals.
The emphasis on personal ownership in men's circles is about acknowledging individual agency and autonomy. Through the exploration of one's emotional landscape, participants gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their interactions with others. This heightened self-awareness lays the foundation for authentic and transformative connections, as individuals navigate their personal journeys with the support of a circle of men, committed to conscious communication and personal growth. The following agreements, with a few differences here and there, are commonly found in most men’s circles:
Confidentiality -
What happens in the circle stays in the circle, fostering an environment of trust and openness.
Punctuality
Respect for time ensures a safe container, the flow of meaningful discussions and the integrity of the group.
Non-Violence
Emotional and physical safety is paramount, with each member taking responsibility for their words and actions.
Sobriety
Full presence and clarity of mind is imperative, with no room for the influence of substances.
Full Presence
Full undivided presence with no distractions (including phones), active listening, and genuine engagement, promote deeper connections and create a supportive space for all.
Speaking One’s Truth
Deep honesty and vulnerability lay the foundation for self-awareness and authentic connection.
Leaning Into The Edge
Men are encouraged lean into discomfort, as a way to promote personal growth.
Respect for Boundaries
Boundaries are set in place to be honoured, and consent is paramount in fostering a safe environment, as well as promoting self-responsibility.
Listening First
Respect for a man’s autonomy is upheld, with no unsolicited advice or feedback allowed. It places a focus on self-sufficiency and fosters each man’s ability to first grow through his own sharing. For this, participants are encouraged to share while the others just hold space and listen. A man who needs support and advice, takes the responsibility to ask for it.
Core values of men’s circles
Following the principles of men’s work, the core values cultivated in men’s circles serve as guiding lights, illuminating the path towards a life of deeper meaning, purpose, and fulfillment. The core values are:
Responsibility
Authenticity
Compassion
Generosity
Integrity
Leadership
Respect
Consistency
Reliability
Group Setting
Men gather in an intimate setting, in some groups by invitation only, to delve into the depths of their beings, guided by the principles of the men’s circle. With a maximum of nine to twelve members in most cases, each individual in the men’s group is valued as an equal participant, bound by a shared commitment to growth and authenticity.
Men gathered for a men's circle in the Indian Himalayas, during Journey to Ladakh, a men's retreat by Inner Outer Journeys
As men, we are often taught to suppress our emotions, to embody a façade of strength and stoicism. Yet, despite the beneficial understanding of courage and integrity in stoicism, in the vulnerability of a men's circle, we discover our deepest strength - the courage to confront our fears, to embrace our authenticity, and to forge connections that transcend the superficial. So, gentlemen, I leave you with this question: In a world that often demands conformity, will you dare to embark on the journey towards a life of deeper purpose and connection?
Read more about men’s circles and men’s work here.
